On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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