Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
