the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
