My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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