just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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