I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize