dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
