i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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