Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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