party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
