Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
