I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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