I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
