I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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