You're completely useless in the revolution.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
