I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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