I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
