pop tarts are not kleenex
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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