It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
