that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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