He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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