So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
ttyl tear gas
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
