just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am naked and annoyed.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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