Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
