Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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