Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
