Can Purell be used as lube?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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