Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
