Sry I called you an 8
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I still have a little drunk in my system
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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