If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
