I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Randomize
