I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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