I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
