Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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