Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
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Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
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Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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