two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
