I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
