It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
