ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
