Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
