Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
