I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
