My liver just broke up with me...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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