Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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