Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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