My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
