I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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