I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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