I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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