I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
