dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
