Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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