Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
