just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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