My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
