Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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