4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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