If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
