I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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