We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
