Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
