I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
