My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
